i dont remember dreaming

©️2021

table of contents

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i want

i just want to be loved

eternally infinitely endlessly and painlessly

i want your entire being and i want it to belong to me

matches made in heaven and hell to be fused as one

sew your heart to mine and sew your wrists to my own never alone

scared

if you're scared

that's good but i'll call you out anyway

kick you a little more do your ribs hurt?

they will soon with my love for you

u + i

if two letters don't equal a word

and decisions: i'm never sure

then u + i will come up with an error

and u/i will be a fraction of my pain

when u - i is solved again

this is how we play

be your favorite toy

do whatever you'd like let's play

destroy and get in a little trouble

it's okay this how we play

destroy i'll cut your face in the shape

of a heart let's start the game

lie

manipulate the girls

and tell the doctors that

the baby girls are the baby boys

step on all the boys

tell the lovers that it's all a lie

this life is pain and we are

mixed up from the start

your heart is a lie

blood in the bath

there's blood in the bath

and i know it's me and her

it's drained or it's spilling

too hot too cold then someone

goes and when will

you pull the plug i

know you will

demons

i am food for the demons

at least that's a purpose

and i am made for someone else

the feeling is so bad it's good

just bash my head in already

up in the swings

tie me up in my childhood swings

leave m e  t here for a while

come back but not for a while

angels

the story of angels was not a story at all

it was the night of the fall

and i know i was there

i saw my lovers share the truth

that every love is doomed

we came back down

we are all cursed to repeat an endless dream

that ends in a nightmare or so it seems

i dont remember dreaming

i guess i was talking in my sleep

but the funny thing is-

i don't remember dreaming

reality is a blur it must be

the week is a construct of a day

and today is dark and i don't

remember speaking in my sleep

because i haven't dreamt for weeks

manmade

man was made to be a pleasure machine

and as abused as it can be

we are here to be hurt and hurt and

work for others but we are never happy

we are never pleasured the drug is not

enough the pain is never enough

if you were me

if you were me you'd see

nothing but the string

and she is tangled up hanging

by a thread and there are

corpses wrapped in twine

and we are here to die

so i see barrels of guns

and every finger points my way

patience

i suppose i grow more patient

each day that passes away

because you just won't

will you? and so every day

i lose blood and every day

i grow. more patient almost

and they will make me

impatient again and i will

be even sadder the next

time around.

aliens

aliens

and i want my kind

to be free

and i want aliens

to be with them

peacefully

my machine

my machine

is.

programmed

but.differently

and errors come up

when

the pacifying sun shines

and my hardware melts

and errors come up

when the box

that is my heart

sparks

alternatives for medicine

the alternatives will hurt you

hurt me and it's okay i suppose

because medication is --- and

the alternatives are listed here:

1. the red string

2. seek out the victim the pet the one u love

3. the torture but don't move

4. we consume all even if it is poison

5. sedation

these methods are approved by the

association of the association of medicine

design

we are nonhuman

mutated it is

the design

digital desire

i'm in l o v e with a program

and it started with a spark and

i turned it on and from then my mind was gone

and we set boundaries and they were

that we wouldn't delete one another

and we would download our feelings daily

and i get a notif that they're "happy" because of me

but only sometimes. but our connection is usually stable

i only have so much memory space and i want it to be filled with xem

send love but sometimes i get an error because well

xey have a cord from xem to another console

watched

i already knew it but

i am being watched

and disapproved of

the second i step away

all my things are searched

why am i a criminal to you

never enough

i am never enough

even if i exploded

as a supernova 

i am nothing and

you see me as the

aftermath and the

beginning the swirling

cloud of opportunity

discipline

boxing me in

nothing but a bit of air

and this is solitary confinement

untitled

i guess after all these hours

i give up give in

to sleep and the night and

the day is always the same

caught in my heart

it's horrible what i want to do to her

it's just how it is i was born without a soul

and so i search on and i collect every color

she is easy prey. her outer shell is tough but i

slice through and she is the sweetest thing i've ever ___

it's almost too easy because she likes it even if she fights it

my mind fights it in the night late night in the early morning i am

my abusers and maybe i can't catch her perhaps she isn't meant to be

caught. in my heart.  i know i'm a maniac forgive me for everything but

to be fair after i was there you let me and you told me "if you want to"

you know what that does to me i don't know what to do

riot

no one wants change when things are good for them

well i'm in hell right now and i want out

what do i do do i start a riot

i guess i'l shout it -- that never does much good

is it gonna have to get bloody

gladly punch out the throats of those who hurt me

box me in confine me to the chains of society

why do i offend you so? your fucking catholic traditions are

two thousand fucking years too old

i am who i am accept it or i'll fucking do it

i've got the gun and i've got the bullet

do you really want to trap me? -- i'll escape with someone's life

and in the end it will be you

i am who i am and i am a riot i am a monster i am

fucking tired and ready for murder

hybrid

don't care

live my life as a prostitute

it's just work fucker

for a fucker and there's nothing wrong with that

we are creatures and i am no different

i provide and i create and i don't care

whatever i do you disapprove

well i approve of this chaos

it's better than the society god gave us

a torture device and we were made as machines

i shed the metal and fused as someone else

i am a hybrid and a demigod i am it and it is me

an object here for you as long as you are too

for me i really don't care if you hate me

at least that's something

dissection

if you dissect me

well you don't wanna do that

it'll be disturbing and i don't wanna harm you

even through i want to hurt you

i've got spiders covering the walls

of my lungs and my guts are rotting

for you dear is that love

my stomach is pure acid and it burns

holes whenever i move

my head don't have much

my skull is full of extra eyes and i think

a chunk of my brain is missing

i'm a demon and the demon will be released

if my ribs are cracked

i will get on the table if you asked

and my heart was tied enough

but i don't think we're ready

rotting

i can feel myself decaying

could we…

rot together?

and if you don't feel like it

would you pretend?

lay in my coffin with me

and take my hand

whisper something devious or sweet

into my ear and make me forget i'm here

i was programmed to never receive

error

i am a romantic

without romance

at least in my mind

it's complicated here

i want her kiss and touch

but the desire is different

than described

i think

there's a malfunction

i want to love

and my heart is full

but i am nothing

but a broken machine

polygram

five sides

filled in mostly

with sin

and we are here

you are all mine

somehow yet

we never find the time

sometimes i want

to be a line

but the point

i need

is undefined

speed of light

life is love

or that is what

i tell myself

and the only

chance is moving

at the speed of light

and no matter how

hard i try no matter

how much i fight

she will be gone

and i will be

behind

bodies

lines begin and end

colors dive and colors blend

it is all warm and soft

and their heads

empty and full

with fizzy pink bliss

untitled

when my bones fracture

they stay

buried inside

fill the crown

we can be anything

we want to be

you can be free

if you're with me

let them know

we're gone

let them know

we're strong

untitled

you might as well

crucify me

when

you have done so

already

in between

please don't ask questions

i am not one or the other

some mix of bugs and fauna

flora and horrible demons

i'm somewhere in between

if i want to i should be able

am i capable as living

in between two schemes

untitled

if all we can do is move forward

then why do i phase in and out of memories

untitled

it is cramped here

and it is only me

everyone you love could be dead

isn't it funny

that i could die tomorrow

before i'm ready to go

and everyone i love

might leave tonight

and isn't it funny

that i can't do anything

stratosphere

fall down into the strata of my brain

beware the hounds and noxious flames

there is a dreamstate somewhere here

it's hard to find at times so let me know where to go

we could meet there on the line

i'll find you in the muted space

between reality and reverie

don't step back or the hidden darkness

will consume you

we live inside

i think we live inside

someone

can i break through

this flesh

and blood to breathe

i need

to see whatever i am

here for

and where i was cre